Playing Catchup

Saturday after I posted here, I discovered one of the meatie chickens dead.  I have lost 4 to various causes, bringing me to 21.


   Yesterday I needed a serious sanity check. I went into "poor pitiful me" mode and just couldn't seem to shake it.  My squash plants are dead from the frost, but they still have several tiny yellow squash. I don't know if the squash will make it or not, I'll probably pick them Friday.
    When I was tending to the remaining franken-chickens I began to feel like they really aren't living much of a better life than industry birds. Because of the cold weather they have been confined to a child's wading pool in the dark, with only red lamps for heat and light.


    So today I closed off part of the meatie run and put all 21 in it. I dragged the nasty stinking pool over to the compost pile to work on the spring garden.  My dad helped me and we put tin and hardware cloth up so that I can close the meats under the shelter at night, but let them loose on the grass and dirt during the warm sunshiny part of the day.


   I tried making butter from fresh milk I bought at Apple Market last week, but I barely got a tablespoon full. Expensive toast.


   Pumpkins tomorrow!! Or so I hope!  I really want to cook my pumpkins down and make pumpkin bread, muffins and pie filling. If it works out I'll be thrilled!




On a personal note - since I have no followers or even anyone who knows about this blog:


   I am so sick of being overweight. Not just a little chunky, but morbidly disgustingly obese.  The roller coaster of weight loss  and gain has been my life highway. Now that I am pushing 40  (August  2012) I am really seeing everything I am missing out on.
For example:
- My boys.  I hate being such an embarassment to them at their baseball games etc. I understand that all adults are an embarassment to pre-teen and teenage boys, but being my size brings a special kind of humiliation to them. They, of course, are too kind to say so.


- horses.  Having Buddy at the house makes me ache with longing - I want to ride. I want to explore Coldwater on horseback, with Rio running out ahead.  I want to feel the wind on my face and the sun baking my arms. I want to attend fundraisers for the horse council without having people looking me up and down in disgust and disbelief.


- garden. I love love love working outside. Even with my garden being a total failure, I loved the feeling of hard work, sore muscles and sweat in my eyes. The feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction when the first tiny sprouts break out of their earthen prison.


- friends. Not only for the friends I have - being able to go places and do thing without being constantly aware of how much room I take up; but also making new friends.  I can't imagine what it would feel like to have the confidence to go to a new class at church, or greet new people on my team at work. 


- me.  The feeling of being comfortable in my own skin is unthinkable. For me to even try imagine liking the way I look , or finding my looks worth attention (ie nicer clothes, make-up, etc) is a cloudy picture that I can't even begin to comprehend.




All of this to say - when I have my doc appointment the first part of December, I am going to talk to Dr. R about the weight loss surgery.